the misconceptions of love by dominique mcphearson.
I was a victim of my own heart, murdered at the scene. I thought I was a player but really fell prey to the game. Competition of who got the most bodies gave me the faintest idea of a woman’s worth. I could count on two hands how many times I thought I found the one. This is a story of my misconceptions while I was young.
Who knew I’d clutch onto this pain for 3 years, stomach aching and craving for the dish best served cold. Hoping it’ll give me back some of my soul, that you took with you after you left the hole in my chest. I thought it was love from when we first met. Ironic your birthday was 4/20, your love did just that, sparking a flame inside me I thought wasn't worth the wick. You might as well been a spliff. Marta train to H.E. Holmes station, when curfew was the only thing I was worried about breaking. I thought we could overcome acrophobia together, facing our fear of this new height. Your goliath-sized past clung to your back impeding the progress you sought to make. I was determined to bring you along with me, no matter what it’d take. Even if I had to sacrifice my position, start back at the bottom, just to show where you’d go I’d follow.
PDA was uncharted territory, but I’d happily trek miles to find your heart. Exchanging notes on facebook, faithfully telling the world you were mine. I gave you my chain, the one with my name on it. I went and bought the hat with the KC on it. Purple matching outfits with the chucks. Conversing the world until it faded away and it was just us. Infatuated. Drunk off a love potion. Eyesight was hazy not seeing beyond the magic. Missing the signs you were hurting yourself until I touched your arms and that's when I felt it. Rivers overflowed with blood carving valleys through your skin and all from a razor blade. You'd ask me why would I stay, saying how you’re such a basket case. Words wouldn’t suffice so I let my actions speak, hoping my love would be the glue to hold you together in one piece. We’d traded words like punches, curses hitting like uppercuts to the chin to make up as if it never happened. But its okay, I wouldn't take nothin' back. Just naive love, now that I'm lookin' back. I sculpted an image of you with the wrong ratios, gray hair, mold and ragged, sitting in front of a cauldron conjuring black magic. You were the wicked witch while I was Dorothy, me playing all innocent. But in all honesty, my closest door was struggling with the lock barely hanging on from everything it was holding in.
The gods cursed me when an Achilles heel, my heart, I loved too much. And it was my hubris to think that one girl just wasn’t enough. Does my “I love you” take away it’s potency if I said it to someone else. I mean phone calls every day will have you seeing pink elephants and witnessing spirits you never thought could exist. Summer lovin’, I knew what Sandy was feelin’ when she saw Zuko at the bonfire. I’m like why Morgan was actin' different when we got back to school. As if we just weren’t exchanging love you’s. Thinking back, it was prolly nothing more than lust, a squirrel before hibernation, in desperate search of a nut. I was possessive, I thought she was mine, while I was someone else’s. I still remember askin' how she let Nick have something that I valued as precious. Pressed her about it, even while I was in the same room getting Amina naked. I told Amina “I love you” eagerly. Experimenting through games of truth or dare. Truthfully, we’d sneak kisses while you were upstairs , in fear of you finding out. Outweighing the consequences, was the thrill of it all. All my feelings involved. Revolving around the speculation ,what would me and her be ,if me and you weren’t dating.
I mean it couldn’t get any worst, well it did when I found out your him was a her. You said she was your friend but y’all diary told me everything I needed to know. I had the combination to your locker, it puzzled me that you’d keep it in there, as if I wouldn’t find it. I could’ve flooded the Nile and drenched the Sahara the day I broke down in that hallway. I was deflated, the air taken out a ball you didn’t wanna play with. I thought we went together like Ash and Pikachu. I might’ve had other Pokémon but you were never number 2. Whatever y’all had I couldn’t compete with, I wasn’t enough. Insecurity still follows me, my shadow, forever present. I pray my current girl forgives me if I have 100 questions.
I plotted my revenge. Nourished the seed, watering it with anger and fertilizing it with bitterness. Senior year it finally sprouted when I ran into you walking outta ISS. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect if the clock struck 12 and Cinderella's magic was still working. My birthday was around the corner and I said we should get into something, that something being you. You said yes without being hesitant, I thought this was heaven sent. I don’t know why you said yes, I just blamed it on your conscience itchin', Jiminy cricket telling you after I came it’ll all be forgiven. A soldier during war, all I cared about was the mission, getting in the draws to fix my hurt feelings. I came but you wasn’t forgave and afterwards we didn’t talk. It was a calculated shot, I lined up my scope so I’d hit you in the heart. Next time I saw you it was at Jamee house, about 5 months later, you didn’t say anything to me but your face spelled it by the letter. It was gratifying to recognize that pain on your face, but I still recognized my mistake.
I’d eventually apologize and blame it on me being a child and ignorant. I truly am sorry for what I did. You said hurt people hurt people and explained that you get it. Because both of our hands were calloused from the skeletons that were hidden. This was apart of our growth and letting go. Although in 10th grade I didn’t know I would militarize sex for the next year to come... (To be continued).