journal #15: this close.

Screen Shot 2019-09-24 at 3.00.11 PM.png

i’m a sore loser, always have been and always will be. ever since i was a kid, i wanted to win everything. i remember playing tee ball, taking wild whiffs with the bat and rolling around the outfield. everyone won and at the end of the season, each kid took home a trophy. as i got older the objective was no longer to go out there and have fun. it was to win. i loved winning more than playing the game itself. one year, my park league baseball team won a championship. i hit the game tying rbi and was the game winning run. i remember throwing off my helmet and celebrating with those white kids like we’d been friends the whole season and i wasn’t an outsider. euphoria for real. eventually i quit and tried to hoop but i was short and slow. rough combo for hoop dreams.

when i wasn’t playing sports, i was watching them. i was a cubs fan until they ripped out my heart in 2003. i already knew what disappointment felt like it and now that feeling crept into my sports. the bulls broke my heart in 2011 when they loss to the miami heat in 5. again in 2015 when they lost to the cavs. honestly my teams are usually on the losing end of championship games. my first sports heartbreak came in 2000 when the tennessee titans played the st. louis rams. steve mcnair was a hbcu grad so he was like family. eddie george, jevon kearse, frank wychek, kevin dyson, blaine bishop etc. etc. down 7, the titans were down to their last play. kevin dyson catches a pass around the 5 yard line and is tackled as he reaches the ball out stretches it toward the 1 yard line. this close to tying the game. my house was quiet when the game ended. why did i ever think my team could win?

i’m a little less emotional about sports these days but i still count wins and losses. i graduated from columbia college and that was a win. i was rejected from grad school, that was a loss. unfortunately, i loss again today. i was interviewing for a position in new york. i’ve always wanted to live in new york so it was like a dream come true. after 5 interviews, i expected an offer. instead i was met with a thank you which was inevitably followed by a ‘no’. shit hurts because i really thought i was going to win. i looked at overpriced apartments in brooklyn and wondered about their smoking policy. i was this close

i haven’t been posting on the site because i thought it would be dope for the next thing i wrote about would be the beginning of a new chapter. a little bit of gloating mixed with extreme gratitude. i could take a victory lap on those that whisper  funny jokes quietly behind my back. instead all i have is another story about how i almost won. i understand that everyone loses but it doesn’t mean i have to like losing. 

Kelvin HicksComment