journal entry #13: our most precious resource.

donnie darko (2001)

donnie darko (2001)

i hate waiting. i used to be much more patient when i was younger but these last two years have shown me how important time is. time is a construct. time wasn’t created by humans but measuring the passage of time is one of human’s favorite activities. theories about we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. every time i log onto twitter its the anniversary of some album’s release or memorable sporting event. instead of thinking of time as a measuring stick, we should handle it like a sacred resource. 

last week i watched jon stewart tearfully address a congress committee that decides if first responders from 9/11 are entitled to healthcare, amongst other necessities. “these men and women are running out of their most precious resource, time.” some of those men and women are suffering from illnesses that can’t be healed. some took that trip to washington to ensure that their children and spouses are taken care of after they’re gone. don’t tell me time is merely a construct. time feels tangible when you’re running out of it. 

i’ve been aware of my own mortality since i was a child. i assumed that i would have 80 years on this earth if i didn’t smoke cigarettes or hang out with the wrong crowd. back then 80 years seemed like enough time to accomplish everything that i wanted and see all of the places that i wanted to see. my grandmother passed away at the age of 95. i sat at her homegoing service with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. there isn’t enough time. i’ve watched people in my peer group celebrate on ig one day and gone the next. tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and i was a fool to think otherwise.

i try not to think about all the time i wasted in the past but i can’t help where my mind goes. i wasted time of the women that i loved. why couldn’t i tell you that i wasn’t ready? i think about the times that i allowed other people to waste my time. women that i put my life on hold for, wouldn’t have done the same for me. why didn’t you tell me i was wasting my time? i’ve waited for opportunities that didn’t exist outside of my hopes and dreams. like the carrot dangled in front of the rabbit, i chased something that i could never have. 

my time is my most precious resource. i’m here until i’m no longer. all that will be left behind is memories of who people believed me to be. with this realization, i know exactly what i want from my time left. i know who i want to love, where i want to be, who i want to be, and what i want to do. in that regard, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been because i know what brings me joy. but when that perpetual dark cloud above me opens up and it begins to rain, i can’t help but think that time is wasting away. the life that i want to live is waiting for me. i just hope i have enough time. 

Kelvin HicksComment